You're a Bully and Don't Even Know It
I’ve had my fair share of run ins with bullies. I’ve had my pants pulled down crossing the jungle gym, I’ve been called names and I have been “ditched” on several occasions. I remember all of those incidents very clearly.
However, there is another bullying incident that is also very clear to me. The one and only time I ever stood up to a bully… and I was standing up for someone else. I couldn’t seem to muster the courage to confront my own bullies but when the bully at school started picking on someone else, I wouldn’t have it. Sure enough, this confrontation actually resulted in me HITTING someone. The only time I have ever hit someone, and probably the only time I ever will. To set the record straight, she pushed me first, and it was a pure fight or flight response, and I guess I was just tired of fleeing. Not to mention, this was on behalf of someone else, an underdog of sorts, and as a kid, I was all about protecting and embracing the underdog.
And just like most of the stories go… that three minute interaction (it all probably happened that fast… maybe faster) lead to that bully RESPECTING me. I stood up to her and she from that moment forward always knew I meant business and from that moment forward she was always in check when around me.
So, 40 years later, and I’ve come to realize I still deal with bullies on a daily basis, and even as an adult, I still want to save and protect those being bullied. Only now I’ve made it my livelihood.
Every day people have internal dialogue that completely deflates them. Every day people have internal dialogue that causes self-doubt, insecurity, shame, confusion, and sometimes even self-loathing. For some reason we seem to have become tolerant of this bully, all the while we are shouting from the roof-tops to stop the bullying we see and hear about in the schools, in our cities, and even in our government.
Really let these next words sink in. Really get what I’m saying here.
The worst bully any of us will EVER come across is our own internal bully.
It’s time we stand up to our internal bully. It’s time we earn our internal bully’s respect! It’s time we put our internal bully in check.
So, how do we do this? And is it even possible? I mean, if we’ve tolerated and accepted it this long, maybe there’s a reason. Maybe we can’t tame our bully. Maybe we just have to learn to live with it. Maybe we just have to stay small, weak and pathetic. Maybe we just aren’t strong enough.
You know what? That’s your BULLY talking… and it’s all a bunch of BS!
There is plenty we can do to start calling out our bully. There is plenty we can do to challenge our bully and even confront it if we have to. There are plenty of ways to gain our internal bully’s respect and it all starts with awareness.
Awareness is the start but there is also work to be done. Like pen to paper work! Using the word awareness sounds so ethereal and abstract like it’s something you can only have as a thought and something that is not tangible and concrete. But, that is far from the case. Awareness can and should be documented… and often!
It all starts by letting your internal bully know you are onto it. Just a little nod in its direction putting it on notice that you now know it exists. Just doing that little step will likely create a little bit of distress on the bully’s part. You might even notice that you start to hear yourself talking yourself out of this ludicrous concept. Or you might notice yourself minimizing the actual damage that has been done over the years. Do not be fooled, this is definitely your inner bully, feeling threatened, and lashing out with more thoughts of self-doubt and confusion. Let yourself start to recognize the voice of your bully and the kinds of words it uses.
Start documenting. Hear your bully's voice? Write them down, or speak them into an audio file. Get familiar with the times and situations in which your bully is most active. This step will be even more evidence to your bully that you mean business and that you are ready to step into your own place of power.
As you start to notice patterns and repetition in when and where your bully likes to strike, you have an opportunity to prepare. All good warriors prepare for battle. And this is one very important and sometimes long battle you want to be ready for. How do you prepare? Start creating the thoughts you want to use to challenge your bully’s thoughts.
Envision yourself literally standing up to your internal bully, nose to nose, if you have to. Lock your gaze and let your bully know you are not backing down. For every thought of doubt have a strong counter thought of certainty. For every past memory of failure your bully tries to show you have a future vision of success. For every thought of shame, guilt or insecurity your bully throws your way, combat it with new thoughts of self-love, forgiveness and strength. The more committed you can be to challenging your internal bully, the less power your bully will possess.
With consistent awareness and by consistently throwing down thought challenges you will teach your bully to stand down. It will start to understand it can’t win and your bully will lose it’s power. And if by chance your bully does forget who’s boss from time to time, you will have complete confidence in knowing how to handle it.
The imagery in this story was created to help you “see” the unseen that happens to us on a daily basis. However, I also have a very pragmatic tool, that I would love to share with you that will really help you create the counter thoughts you will need to combat your inner bully. If you would like more information on how to eradicate your internal bully please don’t hesitate to contact me for a free clarity coaching session, so I can show you just how empowering this tool can be.
